A Series of Pandemic feelings – Counterfeit

Constantly wondering if someone will ‘out’ you.

Imposter

It’s funny, I have an understanding that the way I feel on a day to day basis, is imposter syndrome. I unceasingly wonder if I have done my job well enough…do others see me as a someone who knows what they are doing? Am I doing enough? This then consumes my thoughts. By the end of the day; I have decided that I just muddled through life and people are aware, that I do not know what I am doing. This for me is a continuous cycle. I had put a name to this feeling a while ago (imposter syndrome) but then I began fighting with thoughts that made me wonder; if I did in fact have imposter syndrome or I actually just was not capable of doing my job. Was using this phrase as a guise? I then became fixated on the latter…naturally.

This is what an overthinking mind can do to you, even if the symptoms scream out one thing, my mind has become so conditioned to think that this cannot be correct for me. Obviously, I wouldn’t be someone who has imposter syndrome, I actually just don’t know what I am doing, right? Of course, says my brain. Even though, I have been working on this career for a decade. Even though, I have never been told I am doing a bad job. Even though, there is actually no evidence that this is the case.

I feel as though I am a bandit, stealing this phrase. I am not good at what I am doing but in reality my years of work would attest to the contrary. The limiting beliefs have attacked my logical thoughts and injected in this poison which makes me question myself on a day to day basis. Like a mole deep in this dark hole, waiting to be sniffed out.

These thoughts now run through my veins as slickly as blood, taking over my body and suffocating the positive. They have become part of who I am and have brought me to my knees. So, how do I begin to rake out these thoughts? Separate the flowers from the weeds, so I can move forward and become confident in my ability?

Stating facts, instead of reading the fiction my thoughts have so carefully twisted together. This is stage one of many but the most thunderous step was calling this syndrome out. Putting it out there, whilst battling with the idea that if I shared this, then another person would also see the same thing I saw. And then, I couldn’t take it back…it would be validated.

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