A Series of Pandemic feelings – Wilderness

As the World becomes still, I begin to travel into a territory extremely active

Navigating

Anyone else having the most random dreams? I feel as though my imagination is trying to break through this ‘new normal’ to get back to this life that was deemed as ‘full’. It seems as if my subconscious is trying to recapture some of the feelings of being with those I loved and partaking in what was once considered as normal activities.

I now, don’t wake up in the morning thinking about the long arduous journey that lies ahead to get to work. I find myself needing to ground myself in the moment, it began with waking up and immediately thinking‘We are in a Pandemic!’ to now waking up each day and remembering; I need to get enough steps in. This does not mean I have forgotten we are in a crisis and so many are being so terribly affected. It has shown me how you adapt to anything. With time, things you would have thought were hard to adjust to, like not leaving your house. Are now just regular parts of your life.

Changes

With the changes, practices I have been trying to incorporate into my life are more transparent now;  like stillness. I have more time to adopt this into my life, whereas before I would constantly be on the move and it wouldn’t seem as important. This has now become an integral part of my day. Carrying this out in such a busy world, had meant I spent most of my time alone, dissecting the day’s events but now I am able to work into my inner thoughts. My journaling isn’t now consumed with recounting my daily activities but instead the thoughts which are brought up to the surface; like the tide going out and the bubbles popping out of the sand. It’s not all convoluted with thoughts about which social activity is coming next or reeling in those that have passed.

I used to base a lot of my time, waiting for the next thing I was excited about, as if that’s what made my world go around. But now what do I have to look forward to in the same areas I use as an office, a restaurant, a gym and a sanctuary? I have more time to communicate with family and friends, some face to face and the majority through a screen. Having virtual parties on Houseparty with some wine, virtual book clubs on Zoom or just virtual chats via facetime or whatsapp. However the conversations are now also altered, whereas before you would fill them in with events of your life, what had happened while you were engaging with others. Now, asides for the information we have gathered from the news or social media there isn’t really much else to discuss. For me this has meant I am now having more conversations with myself, all those things I said I would work on before always became hard work and so were pushed further down because social life was too important.

But now the stillness and lack of noise has meant I have had to take a little pickaxe and start working on the internal dialogue and figuring it out.

What am I trying to learn?   

  • Where my lack of self-confidence has come from.
  • Stopping sabotaging thoughts seeping in.
  • Understanding what personal boundaries look like and how to input them into my life.
  • Figuring out triggers which push me into losing my already fragile equilibrium or sending me down a stream of anxiety.
  • How to strengthen trusting my own instinct.
  • Decreasing my fears.

I doubt I will be one of those learning a new language or making my house into a project. I would hope I have grasped stillness better, so I am able to dig into the list above. That for me will be enough of an achievement, venturing into something I didn’t give enough importance before. (As long as I can leave my phone alone, when things start becoming uncomfortable or difficult).

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