A Series of Pandemic feelings – Cluttered

Having more time to contemplate and sit with my feelings, I have decided to share some thoughts that have come up during this period.

Without realising I have buried myself under a myriad of negative thoughts

What do you do when you want to change, you want the negative thoughts to morph into the positive? You want the neural pathways to no longer transmit messages of incapability and restriction but to fire out powerful messages of growth, doing and power? This seems like such an easy feat to try and put into practice but when you’ve lived a life where you have constantly abused yourself by saying mean things. It seems like getting out of this is so impossible, where you can’t even imagine anything positive for you as you have spent days, weeks, months and years pouring in this negativity that it’s now like tar over the pathways you want to change. You have to dig down really hard and put more strength in a short space of time to undo all the damage you have unknowingly done.

You are told to visualise the life that you want but when you try to sit there squinting your eyes, breathing in and out, you see nothingness; not because you don’t have dreams and aspirations but because you are too scared to think about this life you want. In case, it’s just something you cannot achieve. Being constantly paralysed in procrastination, as you don’t want to dare take the first steps; for some reason you think what you want is not achievable by you. It is as though you have become a fossil, pressed on by all of the ‘I can’t’ and ‘I won’t’ which have layered on you heavy and suffocating, so when you are finally uncovered you are just an imprint on a rock. My brain feels as though it needs a good clean out, to remove all these negative, blocking thoughts that have filled it, only once I begin this de-cluttering, can I work on filling out the imprint and working on how I want to achieve my purpose.

You first need to realise you are enough. No one else can make you feel this way but you.

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