“Not all those who wander are lost.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Life ruled by medication, I know I am not the only one but it’s a hard pill to swallow (pun intended). To know your moods can only be controlled by some chemicals is difficult. You have to give up control and recognise its in someone else’s hands. I have told you previously that my psychiatrist said he was on a ‘tightrope’ trying to manage the medication I was on.
I am now on a mood stabiliser which will ‘hopefully’ mean I am not at the mercy of mood switches. Time will tell. There are many other things I no longer have control over either. I have had to give over control my accounts to someone more responsible, you see I have impulses. Not only do you think you are invincible, you also think you have all the money in the world. So big purchases are not uncommon. This is where I have told you previously that I have stayed at a hotel for no reason. I thought I was living the life of a millionaire.
Previously I could get away with all of this but now my family are like hawks, I don’t blame them. It’s not something easy to go through, its life altering. I mean I could easily get myself into debt and not even second guess it. It’s such a regimented life it’s hard to comprehend sometimes. I often wonder if I will be taken out of living alone and have to go back to my parents.
Not being responsible for your whole life is hard, especially when you are an independent woman. To know a mood change could change the trajectory of your life is not an easy feat. To feel so fragile is something you really need to get used to.
Being diagnosed much later in life is somewhat harder. You, yourself are an adult but you have to be managed like a child. Building trust is harder because your family know you’re an adult but sometimes you don’t behave like it. Building up trust again is hard, each time you have an episode you manage to lose some trust because you show there is something more you are not responsible for.
I hope I have a few stress free years, it would be nice to be stable.
SHELVED 
Another tough read Jasveer, but thanks for sharing and for being so brave and candid. Your fight, your stresses, will only help others though.
I saw my brother last weekend, I think I told you previously that he has suffered with poor mental health his whole adult life. He is struggling with his medication presently, trying to balance the cocktail to numb the pain, but whilst recognising that the side-effects are strong and negative too.
Life is so unfair, stay safe –
“Healing takes time, and asking for help is a courageous step.” — Mariska Hargitay
LikeLiked by 1 person
Has your doctor discussed lithium with you? Its an older drug but it has been successful at managing bi polar for years and years. Just because there are new drugs out there doesn’t necessarily mean that lithium should be forgotten about. Richard Dreyfuss an actor who’s had a very successful career (he was in the film Jaws amongst others) is bipolar and he’s been on lithium for years and years. maybe it’s something you could ask your doctor about or look in to it yourself on the internet? Just because you’ve given up control of certain things doesn’t mean to say you shouldn’t have a say over which drugs you take. Wish you well x
LikeLike