Micro management

“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo – far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance” – Jodi Picoult

To the moon, JNR CHOI – the song I listened to a lot when I was in my mania, literally felt like I was just sitting there alone talking to the moon. I spent a lot of time in corridors of the hotel I was staying in listening to this song on repeat. It’s the epitome of how I felt. It’s so lonely being in the middle of mania. There is nowhere to turn and to you everything just feels euphoric, you don’t ever want it to change but EVERYONE around you knows that there is something that isn’t quite right.

People always ask me about Mania, it can manifest in so many ways. The normal signs are being ‘hyper’, talking too much or really fast (or both), elated mood and emotions, higher activity than normal ( I want to fit in like a 100 things in one day), excited for each day and that can mean not sleeping, sleep disturbances. Making many social arrangements, thinking you can do much more than you can, erratic behaviour. Impulsiveness, wanting to spend on anything and everything or like me going to a hotel to stay for absolutely no reason. I had all of these symptoms, mine also manifested in not wanting any social ties, to be rid of anything tying me down, hence why I was traipsing around the hotel with no shoes on, abandoning my items.

Most people think you are on drugs to be honest, which is what the people at the hotel thought of me which is why they were going to get the police involved. Many people also face mania where they become really aggressive and want to harm people, which I luckily have not had so far and really hope I do not ever.

I have had mania 2 times and am currently trying to fight off another bout of it, you see the people around me could see the signs also they are so hyper aware (which is tough but also appreciated) and so I am under scrutiny all the time. It’s really exhausting day to day sometimes when everything you do is questioned and you have to give rhyme or reason to everything that you are doing. I am hoping this time around it has been caught early enough and I have to spend a lot of time self-regulating myself. Making sure I have good sleep hygiene, not drinking too much, having controls in place in case I catch myself spending more than I should be, trying to do half of the things I want to do instead of them all and really considering my social engagements. All of this while trying to work is not an easy feat. However, this is somewhat easier than being low, which is quite contradictory because when you are low you don’t do a thing.

Can’t wait till the day that I am just ‘balanced’ this will come through a multitude of things such as the right medication, something that makes me neither high or low. In this case of my mania, I was actually not on any anti psychotics because we were trying to get me out of my endless low. I am now on anti-psychotics as well as anti-depressants (SSRIs). As my consultant said today, he is working on a tight rope you see as much as I don’t want to be ‘high’ I also have to be careful I don’t go back into a low which could also happen. I am also taking supplements and vitamins. I have to watch my diet, it has been suggested that the Keto diet can reverse Bipolar. I am also looking into holistic means to manage my Bipolar. I suppose once I find something that works I can hope to stay stable for a while.