Anomalous

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” 
~ Rob Siltanen

Since I was in my late teens/early twenties I wanted to have between six – eight children. I think one of the reasons for this was because I came from a small family, which is unusual for Indians and so I wanted to have loads of children so my children would have a big family. And at that point, I suppose I thought my life was going in a way I thought this was attainable. But it didn’t go that way and it wasn’t meant to go that way. I look back now and realise that I wouldn’t have had the life I have now. The amount of places I have travelled to, the freedom I have to do what I want and being completely independent. I spend most of the time wondering how I look after myself, let alone having a vulnerable child needing constant attention and care.

At this current moment, I am a quite happy to be selfish and only care about myself. Spend money on me and travel around to as many places as possible. I have fully thrown myself into finding out more about me and figuring out things, I want to change and adapt. But within this time, I have many fleeting moments where I think about wanting children and how I would possibly do this.

Though a bold and extreme move (to some) I have considered artificial insemination because I really do not know when I will be able to have children the ‘normal way’. I still have to locate a human being with whom I have a connection, the connection then has to be strong and worthwhile enough for this human to want to spend the rest of their lives with me and vice versa. Once that is all signed and sealed, I can then think about children. Whilst, I am patiently waiting for this all to happen, my eggs are depleting at a pace faster than I would like. And to add, I have poly cystic ovaries, so this may add further complications. So, even if I have the man, the marriage certificate and the home, we may still not be able to have children and this issue may not just be mine but also can be the mans. There are so many anomalies in this whole plan, its daunting to think I haven’t even begun….

And so I think, can I wait for me to meet someone for this to happen? And as, with so many things in life, where your parents say ‘you can do it when you’re married’. This is another thing….a big one, it’s not like I am thinking about wearing red lipstick (which apparently we can only do once we are married…obviously, we didn’t listen to that). And naturally this is the way in which I would want to have children, but what do I do if I don’t find someone? And then it’s too late…when is the cut off? People are having children later on in life but how will you know if this will work for you until you try it? If only it was as easy as being Sabrina and making a man out of dough, that would be enough right?

If it was just me, that I would have to consider, I would try artificial insemination and have no problem with what people will say about me. Because I am the one who would be left without, while other people make comments about my life choice. But let’s be real they are talking about me now because I haven’t settled down. So really would I rather they talk about me and I am doing what I want? Or the opposite?

The problem lies with the fact that my parents will firstly have a hard time getting over this mind boggling notion but they would also face more backlash than I would. And that’s something I don’t really want to put on them. You all know people want drama, they want something to talk about and this would be something to talk about. I wouldn’t be getting married outside of caste, or religion. I wouldn’t be getting married at all but I would be having a child – how would people even be able to consider it? They won’t see it as me wanting a child because that’s what I want at this time. It will be national damn news, not only am I not getting married. I then decide to have a child on my own…..people’s minds will.be.blown.

Obviously, there are other options too, such as freezing my eggs. Then I wonder if it’s too late for that already, then to consider the costs and procedures too. And even then I still have to wait for someone regardless and even in that situation there is a high percentage it may not work. Even the option of adopting alone would cause the same kind of issues, this is something I am already happy to do. There are so many children in this world that need a home and love. So if I am in a position in which I am not able to have my own children, I would do this…even if could have my own this is something I would want to do.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I have to wait for someone to have children. Why do I need to wait for someone else so I could have someone call me mum? To want to have a child to bring up in this world, to teach new things to, to get hugs from and to mould a life. And as much as I have said I wonder how I would look after someone else let alone myself I know when it comes to it, I will do whatever needs to be done because having a life depending on you, to teach them what to do and how to navigate through life is such a powerful and beautiful thing. We are made to think that we can only thrive in these situations when we have a man present. And its abnormal for me to think about growing a child artificially, it still is a taboo. But I have to deal with it, while considering the fact that my chances of having a child naturally are just slipping away. And it makes me pretty sad when I think about it, so many things ride on the way things to should done and how life should play out.

From me saying these things, to these things becoming a reality is a long way away. it takes a while to lose the shackles of society and the issues of caring about what people say. But at some point you have to realise that you need to do things for you and be ok with the choices you make in life.

We should be in a position in life to have full control over everything about us, the way we want to behave, the way we dress, the way we want to express ourselves, the way we choose to spend our lives and the what we want to do with our bodies. It shouldn’t be dependent on other people’s opinion because at the end of the day when you leave this world you leave alone. And whatever is said about you is just lost in the wind and you will be the one who has not lived the life that you want.

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