Endurance

“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Continued from last week’s post….’Recurrence’

Anyway someone decided to spill a drink on my TV, which I don’t understand – why do people not respect something just because it is not theirs? Anyway this led to me spending more time with a certain person and this within the hours progressed to me having some form of slight feeling. I appreciate this seems so quick but I had spent so long alone and speaking to people on these poisonous apps being ghosted or trying to contain my personality so I could just continue the conversation. But now this was an actual human in front of me and we got on. We could have a conversation and we found each other attractive.

Overall, I am still digesting this whole thing but I normally have some form of my subconscious letting me know I’ll regret something. I don’t regret the relationship because humans are humans and connections are rare. What I regret is the way in which others and I handled it all. Let’s just say the person and the connections to my family was the problem. However this caused cataclysmic repercussions. I lost family members and friends I also held as family members. I don’t know if this was the final straw that broke the camel’s back in regards to be being this over hyped snappy person (that everyone wanted to go out with) or whatever else it could be. And in the case of my ‘friends’ I actually still don’t know what the problem was.

I was left as an outcast, this whole life that was meant to include me now completely excluded me. They all seemed as though they had shunned me from the group which I brought together. I always thought I was the glue and now I wasn’t needed in any capacity. I saw people unfollow me from Instagram and it hurt as much as someone telling you they didn’t want to speak to you but this was it was sneaky like a stab in the back and they didn’t have to tell you why. They didn’t have to see the pain on your contorted face. They took the cowards way out.

This whole situation bloody hurt, it hurt more than the break up and any other pain I had felt in my life before combined. My sisters didn’t speak to me, my closest friends abandoned me. I spent a while trying to act like I didn’t care, that it was their loss and they were being out of order. And I didn’t understand their reaction to what I was doing, I still don’t. I don’t think people have a right to tell you what to do in a relationship, if you haven’t broken up a marriage or been inappropriate with a family member what does anyone has to say?

After trying so hard trying to get out of this black hole and then even trying to cling to the light when this all happened. I started slipping…further and further…..and I was in deeper than I was the first time.

Before this I had already decided to make a drastic change in my life and go travelling and this was all booked for January 2017. I was going to leave my job of 8 and ½ years and sell the love of my life (my Audi A5, which I had brought myself) and then go off to some unknown lands.

Knowing I was leaving for the longest amount of time I had ever (and I was always the one who was happy being away from home). This just added to this horrendous feeling of hate I had for myself. That Christmas was the worst I had ever had, knowing people that you love so deeply didn’t even want to speak to you. I spent hours crying in the toilet, my eyes, head and throat hadn’t been this sore even after the break up. This was something I just couldn’t handle.

I didn’t know what to do, my literal home as so alien to me. I spent most evenings outside of the house because I couldn’t face the new dynamic. My life source (my sisters) were just strangers to me.

It came to me leaving and they weren’t interested in my going and I don’t blame them but being the pessimist I was, I held on to the fact that they didn’t care if they never saw me again. Off I went travelling, completely stripped of anything I knew about the life I had. I had lost relationships, no job, no car and I lost me. The person I was starting to became was gone, I was a shell again.

I was in the most surreal places and I couldn’t get out of the fog again. There is a Sanskrit word for this – ‘Chitta’, it is used in many terms but in this case its when you could be in the most amazing place in the world and your heart and mind is somewhere else. I heard this on the calm app when I was back and it resonated. It was exactly how I was when I went travelling.

I went with one of my friends and I still now don’t know how she dealt with me. I was normally just a zombie, again engrossed in my iPad watching anything that would take me out of my life, while was sitting in the most amazing places. I didn’t care, I wanted to sleep and just watch TV. I was also so anal about not wanting to put on weight again because I was so proud of my body but yet going to the gym was so painful. I was in the place I didn’t think was possible, it felt unbearable. I went from country to country hating myself, happier when I was closer to home but then also knowing I was going to have to face it.

I couldn’t take everyone’s advice, they all gave me before I left because the anxiety about the situation had set in way before I went. I didn’t want to go at some points. And they said just have fun and forget about it. I became more consumed as each day went on. More and more when I saw this family of mine without me and the friends who left me part of this circle which was mine. Not having to think of the normal routine things anymore my mind was completely engrossed in thinking about what I had lost and how life was never going to be the same again. This is when social media is a evil creature, I saw it all play out and let my mind make up the stories around it. Because as you all know not everything you see happens in the way you think. But after seeing all this and thinking they were all together and I was just no one.

I came home feeling so unworthy like I was now a invader in a life I shouldn’t be part of. I hated myself, I had bad skin again, I had put on weight and more importantly I didn’t feel like I should be part of normal life, such an imposter. I was completely convinced I’d never have job again, scared everyone would see past the smile and fake conversation (which I found so hard) and see this nil person. No personality just an absolute shell, just pretending I was some form of human. When I did get home I was so happy to see my parents, grandmother and dog. But even with the dog I felt no connection.

So now I was home………….no money no car no independence. This was so outside of the life I wanted and I was now 32 years old…..I had less than what I started with when I was 30, the checklist was down to zilch, nada…..NOTHING.

And I felt even worse than the first time, no exercise made it worse. I was spending each day sofa surfing because doing anything more was too much. The one or two times I went to see friends I felt so out of place. They expected me to come back with these wondrous stories and I had nothing. I wasn’t one of the people who found themselves when they went away and left the normal world behind. I am not going to say I didn’t have a good time because I did and I saw some awe inspiring places but they didn’t inspire as they would have if my head wasn’t in this tomb, in the darkness. And because I am terrible at telling lies I couldn’t hide my disappointment. Why hadn’t travelling ‘fixed me’ or made me into this wholesome person I was meant to come back as? I didn’t get ‘eat, pray, loved’ at all!!

I just felt that the world had just walked all over me, I had a break up 5 years ago, finally got some strength, thought I had all the people I needed in my life. That then, drastically changed and again I was alone trying to battle through the misty scary forest you see in horror movies and then I had an escape to grow and instead I came back even more broken. What else did I need to give?

It wasn’t about what I needed to give. It was about what I needed to learn. It was about breaking the attachments that were holding me back.

This whole experience showed me that I needed a job, I needed something to make me feel like I was worthy. Like I had a place in the world and after some painful interviews I found a place and it changed my life. 360 degrees, at this moment it is still changing my life.

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