Recurrence

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”    – Bob Marley

Around 2 and a half year since the breakup, I still found myself wallowing, I was no longer thinking of situations in which he would run back and at least apologise for the way he did it. By this point I didn’t want him back but I wanted something to ease this feeling of injustice. I didn’t deserve this, I am a good person…..but then my heart was broken again and this time it wasn’t by a guy.

As I said before it doesn’t matter if you are a good person, you cannot expect life just to play out within view of rose tinted glasses. I am glad I didn’t have a life on an old slow rickety roller coaster, I am glad I got the one where you know your heart is in your mouth and then within a second it’s in your butt. I am not saying it’s over and I am sure if I have to do a few more upside down flips and I will hate it just as much. I became stronger, after this period in my life, I had to be my own support because I didn’t know how to express the pain and anguish I was feeling. And I also didn’t get the support from some that I thought I would. Empathy is a curse and a gift, I am always aware of pain and conscious of seeing if the person is ok. But this doesn’t mean you will have people like that in your life or some that just don’t know how to be there. It’s some form of expectation and want, knowing how much you give and sometimes just wanting that little bit back. I have never given or done anything so I can get it back. But I cannot say that at points where those you genuinely would die for cannot provide the comfort you need. You feel that much more alone. But through this I became the support I needed, I had to….I couldn’t spend more time like this. I need to state that I don’t blame them for this, not everyone is you and I have to keep reminding myself of that. People battle too many demons alone.

 I didn’t want to be ‘that person’ the one who didn’t stop going on about it. I tried to control that, I didn’t let it come out into the open. Well after a while I didn’t. At the start I did and then I’d be horrified that I gave so much of myself away. I have always been a good listener, that’s been tactical on my part as I don’t want to give away anything about me, I didn’t want people to know who I was….and it’s so obvious why I felt/feel like this. Every time I tried to just be me, I lost friends. As I have mentioned before people found me annoying, too loud, too this and too something. And so I was always just apologising for this person that I wanted to be.

I spent a lot of time trying to find my solace in things, not only programmes but also music and social media. From this I found Superwoman, she was a light in this really dark hazy period. Her complete transparency of feeling this way was a massive sign of relief, there is someone who managed to claw out of this hole. However this wasn’t enough yet, I was too buried underneath my own sorrow that I needed more of this to start feeding my soul but I couldn’t take too much. It was overwhelming, I was also looking at people who had it together when I couldn’t even get any form of me together.

From superwoman, I came across Humble the Poet and started reading his book Unlearn, some of this was so powerful but I couldn’t adhere to it, I wasn’t ready to deal with some of my demons. I carried on following them and they introduced me to a new world where I could now see strong Sikh figures who I could relate to, they also didn’t want to be restricted and placed in box. Yet they were doing something about it. I couldn’t bear to. Instead you would find me in Morocco lying on the bed in the dark, listening to ‘Leh’ (by Superwoman and Humble the Poet) on repeat, hoping it would give me some energy to deal with the day. My sisters walked in on me slumped over the bed and engrossed in the video. It’s a running joke now but at the time it was some form of a happiness pill.

I attempted getting back to being me after this two and a half year period. I started the gym, training, drinking more water, being busy on a weekend whereas before I would lie in bed and watch anything in the dark. Hating it, if the sun came out  because then it would make me feel worse for being in bed.

Through this I started feeling things I hadn’t for a while. Energy, caring about things other than what I can watch or eat. Using parts of my brain which had just given up on me because I didn’t want to know anything else. During this period of my life, I also went away for various birthday celebrations and was in a place I honestly never thought I could ever be again. Spent days in the sun which I had been doing before but this time I felt good. I thought I was broken and never meant to be fixed again.

Within this amazing new lease of life I had, I also started noticing a ‘heightening’ in certain things in my life. I now didn’t really need to sleep, or I would sleep for a few hours and then be up and ready to go expend some energy. But I was also drinking more and not getting a hangover. I got to the point where I wanted the night to go on because I was too worried I would wake up and feel the same again. Or realise it was just a dream, they had happened too often before. I also became snappy, everything around me was going too slowly, I already knew what someone was going to say before they had finished. I became frustrated because I wanted to go at 1000 MPH but that wasn’t normal. I was fine when I was alone, congratulating myself for being here still and being grateful I had made it this far and slapped myself for ever thinking I shouldn’t be here. I feel euphoric that my life had changed and I could now be this person I had seen in my dreams, be the people I was inspired by. A strong, empowered, independent woman.

This carried on for about 4 whole glorious months. I did at some stages wonder if people found me annoying as I was this loud person again and had snapped a few (thousand) times and probably done a few more things I wasn’t aware of. But no, no one told me so. Everyone was happy to go out with me and drink. When I had said ‘ I may not go out today’ it was met with ‘But oh you go with xyz’ and I felt obliged.

On the 16th September 2016 my whole life turned up side down, this was worse than the break up this was worse than anything I had ever felt before in my life. The week previous I had celebrated my 31st birthday. I decided to go big because I was finally feeling ‘ok ‘and I wanted to celebrate this with all the people in my life who I dearly loved. I went for a Harry Potter themed dinner on Friday 8th September. Dressed to the nines as Harry Potter and literally living life. I loved every moment of it.

Then on my birthday Saturday 9th September, I had standard family cake cutting ceremony and then we started setting the stage for my house party.

Even now I look back on that weekend with so much fondness. Imagine looking out into the garden seeing one of your closest friends and sisters putting up a tent, my father was also there and it became this really cute team building exercise. My crazy Colombian decided that she couldn’t risk her hair going frizzy and so was walking around with tent poles in her hand and a shower cap in her head. Once the tent was up and I had all the props, food and syringes (with shots) ready. Everyone went to go and get their glitter on. People started arriving, I started handing out peoples named cups and soon my house was filled with all the people I really cared about and those who cared about people I cared about. There was a glitter station and balloon area. The dance hall was in the tent, my family was DJing (via a aux and laptop). I felt like I was on top of the world, this was even more exaggerated as I had also got to a body I had been thinking about for years and finally felt light on my feet and bouncy in my step.

*Apologies for not publishing on Sunday, it’s been a little hectic*

To be continued…

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