“Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life.” – Germaine Greer
Being 30 was not a fun time for me. I was basically trying to keep afloat but drowning myself with alcohol. I had been on the odd few dates but had been ghosted more often than not and wouldn’t even know if someone was flirting with me unless they tried to plant one on my face. I was still keeping in all my feelings and only expressing them when I was inebriated. This, overall made me really susceptible to not showing my deep feelings in years to come.
I was a complete contradiction because my face is like a picture, you will always know what I am feeling however, I managed to stop myself from telling anyone how I truly felt and being a really loving and caring person I even found affection difficult.
Hollywood and other global motion industries – provide this guise of ‘everything will be alright’. The guy always gets the girl, the girl goes through some hardship gets the unattainable guy (Cinderella, Maid in Manhattan, Pretty Woman.) Even my only solace Bridget managed to get pregnant and was married. Granted she has 10 years on me and anything could change within a second…..but still. I feel like the pain and the sense of loss isn’t depicted in these films. I used to watch them and then hope my life would follow the same process when in reality this is never the way it’s going to happen.
Coincidence – I believe in, but in reality, if the collision of particular atoms, molecules, gases created this planet then how can we expect the same situations to occur for products of this phenomenon? That’s the problem with spending so much time trying to find the reason within a box you start banking on coincidences, a box which draws you into these lives that see pain and hurt but in the end always seem to work out. The addiction to these kinds of problems was real, I was completely obsessed with that world. A world when I didn’t have to think about the pain, I felt and the absolute disappointment I couldn’t stop thinking about. Every time I came out of this box addiction my heart would sink and that feeling never becomes normal or less sinking…ever. At that point in my life I was so damn grateful Netflix existed, it wasn’t where it is now with all these amazing productions but I would scour the list just to find something else that would mask my life in that time.
My mind doesn’t stop thinking, I think and over think things more than I do anything else. After the break up, I had to keep any series in my ears whilst sitting in the office. Any show, anything so I wasn’t left to let this big gooey grey mass take over and remind me what person I had become. I had even thought of what I would say if anyone realised how much I was watching, I was going to be honest and tell them this was the only way I could concentrate because the noise in my head was overwhelming, luckily for me no one ever questioned it because if they didn’t understand, then what?
I sat in hope that one of these scenarios would take place in my life and lift me out of the gloom I was in. I even started hoping that he would come back because that’s what happened to one of my friends. She had, had a break up and then after a while he ‘realised’ and then they were married. I used to analyse that whole situation and think to myself, the same will happen to me…it has to! Well no it didn’t and no it wasn’t meant to. I just feel like sometimes there isn’t much for a person in that situation to hold onto or many tools to help them. You know you can be the only person that works through it, but its so hard when you just see that the ‘World keeps moving and people move on’ and you’re still stuck in that same moment, wondering how to take that step forward. And misery loves company, so you pine for that and like me watch any show to dull that pain.
Being 30 and not having achieved the main aims in life, mainly getting married meant that I just gave up with everything altogether. I didn’t care to look after myself, I started eating my feelings more and more. Doing normal things like eyebrows or painting nails was hard, it meant having to leave the house or concentrate on something for longer than I wanted to. The more I left it, the harder it became to start the routine again. Grooming was the last thing I wanted to do. Putting make up and getting ready was the worst thing I could think of. I had more and more excuses to either go into work late or not at all. The outside world just hurt.
I didn’t see the point, I had reached 30 and hadn’t done the only thing that was expected of me…I had been shelved. Everyone would wonder what was wrong with me, why I hadn’t been able to figure it out. I was living in this new decade in which people say was better than when they were in their 20’s but for me it was just filled with disappointment and longing.
I was completely different to the person I knew, both mentally and physically. I would normally care what I looked like but I couldn’t even figure out what else to wear outside the house than joggers. I put on weight, which isn’t an issue but it is when you are normally so aware of how your body reacts to food. I used to be so disciplined, all will power and self-control went out of the window. I wasn’t sure how I would progress through the rest of life, new beginnings didn’t seem to be something I could grasp. I just let myself wallow and kept wallowing even when I had one friend tell me I was doing it and to stop. However, you won’t stop until you are ready, you just have to make sure you don’t go completely under and cannot find any way out.
The biggest thing I learnt was to let the pain in and understand it. Don’t drink it away or ignore it because all that happens is that it snowballs and you’ll forever be rolling down this mountain just gaining more and more snow. Pain helps you grow and understand yourself better, let it in just like you do joy and trust me that way the joy will seem much sweeter.
‘Someone graduated at 21, but waited
6 years to get a good job.
Someone had no education, but was
a millionaire at 21.
Someone got married at 20, but
divorced 5 years later.
Someone got married at 38, but found
You’re not late.
You’re not early.
You’re on time.’
– Unknown, Instagram (there are many variations of this but the message is the same)