Dissecting myself

“Human beings, born ultimately of stars and now for while inhabiting a world called Earth, have begun their voyage home” – Carl Sagan, Cosmos

Continued from last week’s post… ‘Breaking Out’

I don’t play down the fact that I started this relationship the same time that alcohol became a part of my life. So I can’t say this is all based on the relationship but I had this ‘thing’ whilst out at Uni, having a great time. I’d just start crying, literally bawling my eyes out for absolutely no reason at all…….I am sure if someone dug into it deeper, we would have figured it out. But for basic understanding, I was in a club, dancing, drinking out of my bottle of wine because that was the cheapest way to get drunk in Café De Paris and it became synonymous with us going out. Everyone carrying a bottle of wine…..’cheers-ing’ the bottles as we went past each other. Well, I would be doing this for a while and then I’d then be in a corner, or on the dance floor, or outside…..crying my damn eyes out. This happened more often than I know and even before Uni when I initially started drinking and dating him, my friends literally would just leave me to it and I would just say “I don’t know what’s wrong, I’ll be fine…” and low and behold I was. I’d wipe those tears, get my trusty bottle and carry on. My friends at Uni became so used to it, they would prop me in a corner and if anyone called out my predicament they would tell them “Don’t worry she will be fine soon” and if that person kept their eye on me would see just that. The tears would dry up and I’d be back to the dance floor living life again. Then waking the next morning with the absolute fear……WTF did I do last night?!

Well, I knew after a while I would cry so that wasn’t an issue, it was anything else I would have said. Because you need to understand I had also become the person who would only say something I was feeling when I was drunk. That’s how the relationship became, I wanted attention so badly, I wanted him to want to see me more than the one assigned day a week. And I couldn’t say this sober, I had to say it when I had no inhibitions and boy when I said it, it was the worst experience of my life. I was never consoled or empathised with and I didn’t understand this because this is all I knew (being consoling and empathetic). I was just told I was an idiot and causing a scene which made me more emotional and needy. Then there was an argument and it was heated and he was dealing with a drunk vulnerable person but he didn’t care. Everyone would see and everyone would probably then wonder ‘Why are they even together’ but nothing changed for years. I became a drunk martyr to my cause, inflicting this pain when I felt the confidence infusing in my blood after the sips of alcohol and would say it again in various ways. This happened countless times and I wasn’t going to give up, one day he would get it right? I just wanted to be loved as much as I loved him. But how can that be? I wanted love that only I could give myself and he gave me half-hearted love because he never thought I was enough. That drunk little Uni girl always knew this but was too scared to deal with it and leave it because she thought she was never going to get anyone again. This drunk Uni girl soon transitioned into a working woman and still had the same insecurities. Age makes no difference, you don’t outgrow this, you have to face this and then you work on it, you work on it more, it comes back and you work on it again. Everything is tenuous, so are you and so you have to work on it forever. The person you are can become better but you have to keep working on it. At the end of the day you’ll work on a relationship as hard as you want so why is working on you, hard work? I ask you this question when I also find this so hard. Why can’t I just be fixed and just be? Well it’s not the way is it? It can’t be…..pain brings growth and just as everything grows around you, nature, people, technology….so should you.

Life is always a journey, even if you always thought getting to the end was all you needed. Understanding that success is not the end but the journey was one of the biggest realisations for me. Why do I need to be at the end? At the end is nothing more, while you travel through you see more and feel more. No one said you should only feel joy even though that would be amazing.

And on your journey you will be faced with many situations and many people. Some will never understand you or the way you are. I made it so obvious that I didn’t think there was anyone else for me that even when he was breaking up with me, he said ‘Why do you act like I am the only man in the world’ I again, was flabbergasted because isn’t that all anyone wants? To feel that? Well no, you can give it to the wrong person so innocently thinking that’s it because that’s all you want but really the wrong person won’t feel what you’re giving. They may lap it up but please for the sake of your own sanity don’t think it will be reciprocated…..no matter how much you give. This was one lesson on the long road of understanding expectations. It doesn’t work that way. Just because you are a good person doesn’t mean good will happen. Just because you give so much doesn’t mean you will get it back. I didn’t find this only in this relationship, I found the same in many other relationships.