Discernment

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it” ~ Andy Rooney

I felt as if I was constantly working to better myself, learning from my mistakes and trying to understand where I can grow. But it didn’t seem to be enough, what have I not learnt yet? What is it that I keep getting wrong? Realising I wasn’t doing this for me, I was doing this to appease everyone else. Ensuring I don’t annoy anyone or lose any more friends or ruin relationships.

What I also realised was that the ‘winters’ of my life had actually been times where this voice had become too loud to ignore but instead of listening to what the voice was saying. I had let myself let all the negative thoughts I had about myself really lash down on me and become who I thought I was as a person. I felt like a crumpled piece of paper. I couldn’t see past the thoughts that had completely caked my brain, there is no way I have a place on this Earth, I just didn’t seem to fit.

Attaching so much meaning to external factors and precursors to what life should look like meant that I had immersed myself in trying to prove to myself and anyone else, who I thought maybe  wondering if I was ok on my own wrong. How could I not be ok? I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I was keeping up with my fitness, going away as much as I could, buying most things I wanted. Shouldn’t this all be what I was looking for?

The short answer, no I wasn’t really ok. I wasn’t in any dire situation but everything seemed so lifeless and dull when I sat on my own. Everything became a memory and this wasn’t a case of not being grateful, there was something else. Something calling out really meekly from inside me, something I had been ignoring for years. The reasons why during the winters of my life, I had so quickly turned on myself. Because it had to be me that was wrong, that there was something I was not doing. Some person I had not made happy, some words that had been said wrong or some way I had behaved that had annoyed someone and then I went down the hole of despair and each time it was harder to get me out. But you see why this had become something that became worse each time I was in it? It’s simple, I didn’t even consider how I was feeling, I let everyone else’s feeling overwrite mine, I had placed my happiness on how those around me perceived me, constantly waiting for another time I would f*ck up. And in doing this I had done the worse thing of all, violated me. Broken down parts of myself because I was too scared I wouldn’t be liked. In each situation the only learning I took was, stop being yourself because others may not like you. You see I didn’t have to conform to society’s rules but I accept myself for who I was.

Then one day, during the depths of my despair as I stood looking at the tube train that was hurtling towards me. I remembered the most important and life changing words said to me ‘I can’t help you anymore, you need to go to someone else who can’. You see these words though I felt were harsh took me on my journey to myself. A year in which I went and sought out professional help. But just a word of warning, professionals can only provide you with tools. You see no one can save you, you can only save you. Being on a journey of self growth is painful. It goes up, down, sideways and back to front and I was trying to get through it quickly but that doesn’t work, growing and evolving is an on going process. So start because its better than sitting in a space where you feel stuck and helpless, its not easy but its worth it.

Have you considered where you are in your journey or are you happy in a stuck comfort?

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