“Little by little, one travels far.”
~J. R. R. Tolkien
I am feeling stuck again, maybe it’s after the year in which my whole life was taken up by hens, weddings and babies? I found it one of the most joyful times of my life but now that it’s all over and the effects of SAD are well and truly entwined in my psyche and I am, unfortunately in the all so common feeling of being stuck.
It started with the common signs of me wanting to sleep constantly, finding doing anything exhausting and not being able to listen to music. I know when these things happen, I am starting to feel the effects of feeling low. I suppose I knew this would be the situation this year, how could it not be? I spent the majority of the year celebrating someone else but me getting married. Of course I am so happy, I could be part of it and also so happy that the people I love are happy and moving on to the next chapter in their lives.
However, as much I know that being married isn’t the only goal in life, it’s hard for it not to be an issue when year after year I seem to be nowhere closer to it. I am so far from it, it’s pretty daunting to think of all I have to do before I am even on the road to it. And due to the fact that being married has constantly been driven into me as a ‘goal’ from a young age, it’s hard not feel that I am stuck in this position.
These feelings are also mixed with a ‘come down’; months and months of being around loads of groups of people, a lot of laughter, many adventures and countless minutes of fun. It seems only natural that now the months of celebrations ending with Christmas, there would be the ‘blue period’. To be completely honest, I started feeling the come down way before Christmas even came around, for me I still associate it with being with someone and doing all the fun and ‘Christmassy’ things with them. So as much as I tried to get into the spirit it didn’t seem to stick for very long. And as always with the start of a new year, you are meant to feel like a ‘new me’. But what do you do, if you don’t feel like a new me? And you wonder what you can do to progress in this monotony of life?
Making sure you don’t spend the next 12 months trying to build yourself up as you have been doing year by year, but for some reason by the end of each year you don’t feel adequate? Because as much as you have been telling yourself that you don’t want to conform and make these social milestones the only indicators that you are doing well, it somehow just seeps back into your amygdala and takes over your brain like ivy engulfing a house.
What I have decided, is that I am going to spend less time complaining about things and spend more time trying to figure out what I can do, to do them better. The difference this time around in this ‘low period’ is that I understand more of what I am feeling and have slightly resisted to it taking over. Spending the last few years, feeling the emotions and understanding how it has impacted me, had in fact helped me. Because, I feel that I may have more of a resolve to fight through it. Knowing it is temporary and not letting myself feel sorry for myself and understanding that I need to ‘just keep swimming’. The reason, I can talk about it while it is actually happening is because I see a difference in myself and know that there is more to me than the hormones which try and make me feel like I can’t survive.
My own chapters
I have also realised that my ‘next chapter’ is to build on positive thoughts and manifesting more of what I want to achieve. Undoing, the negative thoughts and ideas which seem to stop me from moving forward. I have considered how much work this is going to be and as I was walking out of the station today I did think to myself, this is a lot and it will be hard work. I was considering whether, I should even embark on this journey because it will make me uncomfortable and figure out things in me that I may not like. But what is the alternative? That I, sit in this place simmering in my feelings of not moving forward? You see it comes down to you being the only thing that stops you. The amount of times I have read quotes which scream this in my face but only when faced with it do you realise. There will be many days, I will give up and countless times I won’t want to face it but sometimes endurance is the one thing you need. To know that you climb a mountain and it will only get slightly better but it’s all a journey and you need to want to figure it out.
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