Descent

“It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It’s what we do consistently.”
~ Anthony Robbins

I hate those 30 seconds when you wake up and don’t remember your turmoil’s. When for that fleeting moment everything is ‘normal’ and then, quite painfully you are jolted back to reality…the feeling of coming down on the ‘detonator’. No control, just a lot of fear. You are not able to get the scream out but you can hear it in your head. And I am not saying my one reality compares to anyone else’s or their pain, but as with everything in life, it’s all relative. I have spent months trying to instil feeling positive and understanding the bad and making it ok. But, here I find myself in a situation I have found myself many times before, the situations that made me write in the first place. That helpless feeling…where you feel like you are aimlessly walking around, wondering when the universe will give you a break just for a second.

I haven’t been so consistent in my writing for a little while because I just didn’t feel justified in my positivity and what’s the point in preaching something, if you don’t feel it in your soul? It’s amazing how much of a front you can put on, on social media….my current output portrays a world in which everything is just carrying on and I am having a good time but in reality I go through the motions and I am fine in those moments you see, in my stories or the images I put up. And it’s probably my bravado that makes me keep posting because if it’s there, in the digital world then it’s happening right?

I’ve been having a few ‘off’ or ‘down’ weeks. It could be due to the come down of months of being away, going on hens, being around people and having the most amazing experiences…or it could just be because I feel like I am in a situation where I have let myself be over indulged yet am under attained… where I have let myself become too caught up in things I think make me happy and at the end I just feel hollow because I have let myself ignore my needs again? Busying myself with others and everything else so I don’t have to sit there and think about me and what I need to do to be ok with myself?

It’s like the times I used to play crash bandicoot with the goal of obtaining as many lives as I could even though in reality, I should have been focusing on completing the levels so I could complete the game. What is the point in having all the lives if I spend all the time too scared to loose them? Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something better. And I have to realise that within the last couple of months that’s happened a fair few times but there must be a reason and I need to continue to find out what it is….

Obviously, I am in no way going to play down the amount of fun I had, the memories I made and ultimately being there for the people I love. But it has been a huge distraction for me. Being on a path to realise me more and grow, is daunting and I can now see how I make other things outside of that more important.

I feel deflated…and I can see myself going into the zombie like state where I don’t know what to do with myself but this time around I am going to try and remain more focused on being consistent, instead of concentrating on this ‘feeling’. I have constantly been told to remain consistent but honestly when people have said this before I do feel like saying how can I be consistent when all I want to do is lie on the bed and watch mindless tv.

However, this time, I feel as though I am going to force myself to keep going by not thinking about what I need to do too much. As I have understood that I am better at doing things when I haven’t spent ages thinking about how I can’t or don’t want to do the said activity. I have to see this stage of my life as reoccurring until I can learn to manage it and so I will be put into this position until I am strong enough to be able to understand it is happening and have the faith to continue.

Most of you have probably watched Euphoria recently, it really depicted what it’s like to have depression. For those who have said to me why can’t you just get out of it? It’s really not that easy, mind over matter is something you want to strive for while you are in it but it takes a lot to understand how much it takes to get there. It’s such an overwhelming feeling and when you get the small glimpses of feeling ok you are also inundated with all the things you have neglected and need to sort out. I remember in my worst phase, I didn’t even know where to start with just beginning to groom myself and then be in a position to have a conversation with someone. How do you answer, “So what have you been up to/what’s new?” when the only answer is “Nothing, just trying to be….” How would the person react? And you know at that current time you have nothing to bring to the table so you want to avoid interaction but you have to begin to do these things to become part of the human race again.

I have to keep reminding myself….nothing is permanent.