Burgeoning

“There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path” – Morpheus, The Matrix

Don’t forget that what you prayed for is happening now – I think about this every day….you get so stuck thinking you’re stuck you don’t think you will ever be out of it and I honestly thought that was it. I was doomed to a life where doing anything was painful. The lack of motivation the loss of creativity, the demotion of being organised and the want to be doing things had all diminished and so had the hope things would change.

I, sit here today and remember when I was in my old role and thought to myself I want to be a strong women with more purpose and have a role that was more powerful. I am not saying I am changing the world but the sheer fact that I am able to empower people is what I needed. It may have taken me taking the biggest plunge of my life and quitting my job, selling my only love my car and going travelling when I felt the most vulnerable to get here and please let me tell you how I never thought I’d have a job again for me to now be in this position and share this. I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE POSSIBLE!

Sometimes that little faith is enough to carry you on even if you thought it was completely gone and you couldn’t do anymore….you were resigned to the fact that you weren’t meant to be anymore but also had also thought you were meant to be more than this. Just keep going, it doesn’t always have to get worse there may be times were it gets a little better and once you have that you then hold on and keep striving forward. At the end its only YOU that can do that. It doesn’t matter how many people say it or the amount of articles you read about how this person has done this and how they did it. It doesn’t matter unless you are able to.

This doesn’t mean you are alone it just means the absolute power is with you and you have to realise the source of life you are. Don’t resign to things just because they are bad….nothing is permanent……unfortunately nothing both good and bad.

When I was at one of darkest points when I couldn’t even think about getting out of bed and wondered how I would continue going in this state. I kept thinking of how I wanted to be something more I wanted to be known as ‘smart and intelligent’….I wanted to be able to think there was more about me than all I had done up to this point. But this brought me even closer to not understanding me because I based this on what people thought of me instead of accepting what I was myself. So I spent years wondering through circles and events wondering if people did find me smart or did I just say things and people just overlooked me? I stopped saying things out loud because I would cringe later and wonder why I opened my mouth. Because in some really painful, situations I literally was ignored. And because of this way of self-deprecating myself by needing validation from others I became even more closed. This was even more apparent once leaving my job and coming back from travelling. I wondered how I would even engage with people.

I was so scared when I went to interviews or even went to meet friends of mine people would see through me and realise that I was just this stupid person, with no job, no car and no personality. And nothing to bring to the table. I felt like a complete imposter in this life I no longer was able to engage with.

I kept going through this as I started looking for a job, I really and completely thought I would never get a job again. I thought I had lost all my brain cells and just couldn’t function in the rat race of life. The amount of times I said this out loud to some of my friends and they would always say ‘Of course you will’ but I didn’t believe them, they didn’t know I didn’t feel capable anymore.

Only now I realise that you can always be empowered…it just depends what you decide to fill your soul with. And so slowly I started up again, with a vision board, reading books, listening to podcasts. Started moving from the sofa and walking Mason (our beagle) and reminding myself of the job I had done prior to this. Going to more interviews and understanding more of what I wanted, started the process I am in now. And finally landing a job in the world of shopping I have found myself flourishing. I am now in a position in which I go to the gym in the morning 6 times a week, I am awake at 5am most days which is something I never ever thought I would be doing. We walk Mason on the 7th day spending time in the fresh air around trees and foliage. I, read and annotate books while holding in my core on the tube refusing to hold on (mainly because I am ocd about touching the bars). I am enjoying socialising with people as I find (some) people so intriguing and I have a curious nature so peoples life stories always of interest. Having a constant amount of energy to keep going, striving to make myself better, whether through, reading, writing, watching or learning new things. Wanting to be doing things all the time, expressing my true self and not feeling too bad about it. And really spending less and less time not caring about people’s judgement. And on the most part I am also fine with being single….

Patience is definitely a virtue

I know there will be some of you who say it’s all well and good that you have had changes in your life…and you are finally at a place in which you feel good and that it’s taken me so long. But you don’t know if you could hang on for that little longer. And I completely and utterly understand that, you may also say well you don’t even have a partner let alone being anywhere near marriage. If this was me reading this at the start of this journey I would have been like omg this is going to be so hard and even if someone told me it’s going to take 5 plus years to be where I am now, I would happily have just stayed as I was and not wanted to think about being better. But really inside all of us we have the strength to survive and the capacity to strive. Even in the deepest depths of this hole I was in I would always think I want more, I need to be more but that more had to come from me. I couldn’t resign to this life and keep wallowing, a good friend of mine said to me once “Do you want to look back in a few years and regret this wallowing?” well no I didn’t at all but it still continued for a few more years. Because the wallowing had to happen, if I took myself out of it too early I wouldn’t have been ready for the next stage, the next challenge…..

But there got to a point where I actually didn’t want to wallow anymore, I wanted to laugh without feeling bad about it. I wanted to socialise without feeling like I wasn’t enough and I wanted to show the world that I this person that I knew I could be. That didn’t just happen overnight though, it took another good friend, who also has her own struggles to say to me “Take small steps, you can’t climb the mountain in one go” it’s ridiculous to think I didn’t even realise this and this one comment slowly started to change the way I felt and did things. I always wanted to do things NOW, I wanted to be over it NOW, I wanted to be at the top of my game NOW but as I said before. Life is a journey even when its painful and for this I completely stand by the fact that patience is a virtue because I, ladies and gentlemen am one of the most impatient people in the world. And when in a vulnerable place I am happy to feel sorry for myself and not do anything. So if I can do it, you may be worse but there is still a glimmer of hope for you. I didn’t think I would say it but life is worth living, if you are living it for the right reason and that only reason is YOU. It is so daunting…..so daunting it was too much but it has been so worth it. And I really hope I keep reaping from the fruits of my labour.

“Mi haffi thank God fi di journey, di earnings, a jus fi di plus

An gratitude is a mus, yeah

Mi see blessings fall by mi right han

Buss a toast to di frens weh tek off heavy load”Koffee, Toast 2019

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